In the past, I took a lot of medications and then washed them down with alcohol. I had signed my artistic work with my own blood. I wrote: “I hate myself, you must die you bitch.” The thought just popped in my mind, “this time I am probably dying.” I heard voices resounding in my ears pushing me to do it. Voices of darkness seemed to clench me so tight. Once I survived this, several days later I found myself sitting in the kitchen where I grew up. Talking with my mother face to face, she asked me "Why is your hand bandaged?" “Because I cut my hand,” I replied resignedly, without even any attempt to hide anything. "I have been doing it since my childhood, but it is just that nobody ever noticed." I read a series of emotions in my mother's face. Her first look of shock was replaced by concern. With desperation and regret in her voice, she responded, "this is horrible, you need to see a doctor. This is really dangerous.” I replied, “I know, but nothing seems to help.”
I had voices in my head trying to persuade me that they were my only true friends and that they would never leave me. The doctor called it clinical depression, anxiety depressive disorder, insomnia and anorexia. This was harming not only myself, but also all people around me. We all were afflicted by my hopelessness with a bad taste of suicide. Once they searched for me in the dark of night as I decided to solve my problem by stopping it all. Many times I tried to throw myself down from the highest floor of the building. Too many times my hands were reflecting the deepest pain. I do not even remember how many times I was tormented by hunger. I had been taking antidepressants for 13 years in hopes of improvement, but the voices grew even stronger. Nasty dark tentacles of depression seemed to clench me very tightly. The white, bony claw of anxiety pressed my head immensely. Anorexia tried to choke me with a tailor's tape measure blaming me for every gained inch. Nightmares reflected a past filled with rejection, mental terror, physical humiliation and abuse pretending to be love.
In January 2020, I felt so bad that I did not care anymore what would happen to me. For the first time I came to the point of giving up completely. I told my friend "It can take me out, I can not continue like this anymore.” At this time nobody really believed that it would be possible for me to rise up from this muddy pit. I felt completely defeated. And I did not believe change was possible at all. My very close friend one day told me: "Let's go to PCF (Prague Christian Fellowship), there we can find hope and help. There is somebody there who can help you with your problem. Nobody will force you or persuade you, and if you do not care what happens next, then you have nothing to lose.” I believed in God, but I did not walk with Him. At this time I thought that believing in His existence was enough, when in reality I was experiencing only darkness. I faced this reality every day. Shortly after I arrived at PCF, I felt very sick. While I sat there during worship time I felt like my intestines were turning upside down. I felt a heat inside, like I would vomit and my head was spinning. Everybody was so nice, but in their presence I felt only sickness and fear inside me. I heard voices in my head screaming with confusion :"Run away, quickly." After the service ended, we went to speak with pastor John, and he recommended us to visit Cindy and Carolyn.
Shortly after I shared my story and my struggle with Carolyn, her piercing eyes scared me to death and I felt as if she was my greatest enemy. She said: “You need deliverance, Jesus Christ can heal you, please consider coming to our house.” Then she hugged me, and I felt as if her embrace was burning inside me. After this experience, it started dawning on me “who” depression, anorexia, and anxiety really were. I knew about demons from my grandmother as she was involved in occultism.
My friend and I came to Cindy and Carolyn. They were so nice, listened to me intently and were ready to help immediately. Things began to happen and crushed all my doubts. I confessed Jesus Christ and I renounced everything that was not from God. After tremendous effort, demons went out. At the end of the evening, what was I feeling? It was as if somebody did surgery on me and removed something that did not belong there anyway. After those 13 years, I did not hear those voices whispering into my ears day by day. They no longer influenced my decisions.
I always enjoyed one song: One day I´ll Fly Away, and so often I had dreamed about freedom. Thank be to God I have been set free from captivity and darkness and God's light now shines through. I flew away - towards my new life. From 23.1.2020 I did not take even one antidepressant pill and not even one thought came to my mind of what I am not supposed to eat or how overweight I am. I was freed from anorexia.
I had been so overwhelmed by hopelessness that I did not believe there could be any help, yet it happened.
With God's help, everything is possible. If you believe in Him, believe also He can help you with everything that you need. I am living testimony.
TESTIMONY of Simca Pokorna